The Great Indian Parents

The other day I was watching an old interview of the ensemble cast of Dil Dhadkane Do (DDD), one of the better movies to come in the last couple of years.

Honestly, I was prejudiced towards the trailer once I saw it cause I didn’t think these rich people and their problem was any of my concern and so the whole movie was just candy floss.

I, in fact, watched the movie last year but at that time I didn’t have a blog to write down my thoughts but after watching their interview I was reminded of the fact that I loved the movie. It was everything beyond expectation.

Reema Kagti makes wonderful movies, including Talaash and Honeymoon Travels Pvt Ltd, two movies I thoroughly enjoyed and Zoya has a meaningful and different approach to movie making. But this isn’t about the movie that I want to talk about but about what the movie represents. Family.

I think Indian Parents are a different species altogether. I have always wondered why they can’t let their grown up kids just be. I always question these kids who grow up under controlling parents – like do they want to be like their parents or does it happen naturally through years of conditioning?

I can’t imagine being a parent like that and am always dreading if I will be (Only time will say). I mean I get the protection and responsibility they imbibe but once your kids turn a particular age, do you really need to spoon feed everything?

In this movie, there is two particular scene that really stung me:

  1. Where Anil Kapoor’s Character tells Ranbir’s “what have you done in your whole life? You are because of me and without us, you are nothing”, (loosely translated)
  2. Where Shefali Shah’s Character tells Priyanka’s to stop focusing on career and to start a family and also Anil telling her she is not welcome back to the family if she wants a divorce.

I mean why would parents do this to their kids? Why do you expect everything to be about you and not the kids? Aren’t they individuals? Do parents not look at their kids as separate beings? Or do they think kids have to be dependent on them no matter what?

I get the part about our parents sacrificing a lot for us. Every parent does that and that’s what makes you one. But expecting your kids to applaud you and be forever grateful to you is just plain wrong. And so is expecting them to toe along your lines cause you have done such great things for them.

Another part I don’t understand is why do kids still live with their parents! Unlike the old Joint family get up today there are more nuclear families. Yet parents are always there right behind you. Especially for girls who get married and move into their husband’s house, it’s just plain weird having to make such adjustments that the boy never even fathoms.

Why create such uncomfortable scenarios? Why can’t two adults live by themselves? Unless you have a single parent, there is, in my opinion, no need for adult kids to live with their parents. It only prolongs dependency, especially the emotional ones which is what’s dangerous.

Just imagine the benefits of living on your own:

  • You make the decisions
  • there is no conflict of who is the head of the house
  • the value we place on boys cause they “take care” of parents will lessen
  • More time can be taken out for actual bonding with family members instead of having to secretly hate them and create pain for everyone concerned.
  • Emotional maturity – especially for boys who take washing, cooking and such mundane activities for granted since someone else is always there to do it (their mom or sis)
  • Independence!
  • Privacy – No questions on where you are going or to whom you are speaking to or such questions, which only kids need to answer not adults.

I mean the lists are endless. Can you imagine how the whole Indian society would turn out to be if we actually followed this?

I have to agree there is No competition when it comes to their love. They win hands down but sometimes a gift can turn into a curse and we need to make sure it remains a gift. I believe a parents duty is to provide for their children and teach them to survive on their own. My husband and I both believe in this school of thought –  to let the kids just be.

As parents we worry about so much already, isn’t something left best to the kids? They need to discover themselves through their own eyes and not through others. If you watch kids carefully you will know they are hardly scared or insecure or worried about anything. But we force our views on them and by a certain age, they start believing it too. Their outlook on life is smudged by their parent’s views.

Every parenting style is different. No two parents are the same and believe me no parents want to hear that what they are doing is wrong nor do they want to hear parenting advice. Besides parenting comes naturally, no one can be prepared for it till it happens to them.

But certain qualities only Indian parents share and I constantly read on Quora what today’s youth want and believe. They are far much mature than the previous generation. Being exposed to so much in today’s world, they are I think even born ready to take on the world. They talk about stuff that a generation above them wouldn’t have or actually take risks. But still, they have the age old Indian parents who instead of encouraging them, hinder their progress.

I can go on and on about Indian parents but it’s time for a change and I am not going to shy away from it cause change begins with you. Hopefully, I can be one of the parents that I write about but there is still time for that.

What do you think about Indian parenting style? Are you one? Share your experience!

 

 

 

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A Monster Named Insecurity


Today morning, when I woke up I wasn’t feeling my best. In fact, the feeling was mostly because of some dreams I had. Lately I keep having dreams where am either in an embarrassing situation or meeting people from the past who I have no inclination to see.

Everyone feels insecure. Everyone. I am sure you too have felt it sometime or the other. The thing about insecurity is that it comes unexpectedly. We maybe having a really good time and Bam! it comes smiling in your head for no reason.

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I keep asking my ‘inner voice’ why are you torturing me by reminding me of the things I rather forget. And pat comes the reply – “you conjured me up and you need to deal with it yourself first, I am just a reflection”. Well screw you Mr.Insecurity. I don’t need you to remind me further I need to deal with my own baggage first let alone hover above me, taunting me.

But then think about it. It is the truth. We often feel insecure because we have some unwanted emotions still lingering in us. Some experiences leave a mark on us – for better and sometimes for the worst.

When I was younger, I was blissfully unaware of my insecurity. How I would love to still be in that frame of mind. But past your twenties, it keeps gnawing on you, chipping away whatever confidence you have. It just keeps coming back now and then to haunt you. Like a poltergeist.

I just want to tell others out there, that it is all right to feel insecure once in a while. It’s what keeps us resilient. Keeps us humble.

There is no doubt about the fact that it is our early experiences in life that forms this insecurity. It’s what the voice keeps nagging us with. If only there was a mute button cause honestly I don’t give a f**k about those experiences today. Still it would be nice if we could have dealt with it more confidently uh?

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So what can we do to make ourselves feel better when we are under the attack of insecurity monsters?

  • Smile. Yes. One of the effective ways is to smile and pretend you are happy no matter what. It’s like the Dementors in the potter series. Think of a happy memory and tell yourself everything is alright. Soon you will begin to feel it. Try it.

 

  • Meditate – I cannot emphasise on this enough. This is a way to let your thoughts be free. Give them a free reign for a few minutes so they can stop controlling you. Listen to your thoughts and don’t judge them. Let them flow. Take in deep breaths for around fifteen minutes.

 

  • Forgive and Accept – The past is the past. It can no longer do anymore damage than it has. So keep it there and stop dragging it around. Forgive everything that caused you to feel like you do now and tell yourself that you are good enough. Who cares about what others think of you? They maybe going through the exact thing as you are and is probably putting you down to make themselves feel better. But you are smarter than that, right? So accept yourself as you are and let go of everything else. Life is short enough and we don’t need others to make us feel miserable.

 

I feel so much better just by sharing this with you. Of course this is another way to deal with such emotions but maybe not for everyone? As long as we know what we are capable of and are okay with it, screw the rest of the world. What matters is our happiness, and that’s what we need to focus on.

What are your thoughts on it?